This was a tough week to write a beat. It's the periphery of summer coolness, which leaves me little to really dig into. But as this week brings us the big screen debut of Iron Man, it seems inevitable that we talk comic books today.
Frankly, I bet most of you out there thought there would never be an Iron Man movie -- just from the technological standpoint. Imagine if this had been done in, say, 1985. It looks pretty grim, doesn't it? For some reason, this image led me to wondering about all the comic books we've read up till now, thinking: "This could never be done! It's insane!" So, that's what this week is about -- those over-the-top comic books that could never be made in a million years.
We're talking Secret Wars kind of stuff -- remember that? Where every single Marvel hero and villain was summoned to the Battleworld to do gladiatorial battle? These are the kinds of stories we're talking about -- stories that if they were made, the best case scenario would be that the cost would destroy a studio, Golden Compass style. The worst case, the movie would be utterly retarded. Neither outcome matters, because in your inner heart (even if that heart is still behaving in a wishful 12-year-old fashion) you still want to see it. In other words, I expect you readers to do a bit of the writing work in the comments, spilling out your secret comic book desires. Wait, that sounded ten kinds of wrong. Anyway, to inspire you, I badgered my friends into coughing up the crazy stories they wanted to see. To keep their privacy, I'm only listing their first names. Barring a few grammatical tweaks, their words are their own.
Chris: The New Fantastic Four, its a story arc that Art Adams drew, issues 347-349. A Skrull takes out the FF, poses as Sue, and calls Wolvie, Grey Hulk, Spidey and Ghost Rider to help her get an "egg" that is actually a secret robot weapon from the Mole Man!
Ian: Guardian Devil. I mean, let's face it, the story has it all. You have a blind superhero dressed up like the devil, who goes through a crisis of faith (Did I mention he's a lapsed Catholic?) when his former porn star and drug-dependent girlfriend leaves him to go be a radio star, said woman writing him a letter that even a superhero with radar sense is going to have trouble deciphering ... it has it all, as I said. Religious iconography, plot twists, pop culture references, continuity, and despite the above reading as ridiculous, it is actually well-written. There's a lot of nonsense in there, but it works in a comic-book way. Only snag is the damn thing is so weird that it could never work as a film, especially as Matthew yells at every single person he comes across during the entire story
Gerry: I would love, LOVE to see Age of Apocalypse done for the big screen. Do you know it? An alternative universe where Xavier doesn't form the X-Men but Magneto does, where Apocalypse rules America like a God. I realize that this is never going to happen. I realize that no one else would go and see it. I even realize it would be rubbish. But I feel that those comics which are best are those, like DC Elseworlds, those that move the characters 90 degrees, put them in new alliances, new situations and shows us how they react and adapt.
Dennis (who submitted several, but I find the eco-friendly car particularly apropos): In Amazing Spider-Man #130 an automaker approaches Spidey to promote their nonpolluting engine via a special vehicle they'll make for him. Peter and Johnny Storm, who were friends through a lot of Marvel continuity, design the dune buggy-like Spider-Mobile. Things don't work out and the vehicle is wrecked and falls into a river. Later it's salvaged by The Kingpin and modified by The Tinkerer as a weapon against Spidey. In Amazing #160, he faces - My Killer, The Car! The revamped mobile can drive up walls, has gas bombs that nullify his talents and is remotely controlled.
Matt: Like much of the Geek Free World I have Iron Man on the brain right now, but then he has been my favorite character since childhood. If I could see a totally over the top comic story brought to the big screen it would be Iron Man's Armor Wars featured in Iron Man #225-231. The story begins with Tony Stark realizing that Spymaster has stolen some of his plans and technology for the Iron Man armor and sold it to the highest bidders. In an attempt to keep the technology from being used for evil, Iron Man goes rogue, hunting both armored "bad guys" (like the Crimson Dynamo) and the "good guys" (like Stingray), eventually causing the US government to begin hunting him. In the process he accidentally kills Titanium Man and damages his relationship with Captain America (sound familiar?). Finally the government sends a new armored agent, Firepower, to bring Tony to heel ... which is accomplished with a nuke to Shellhead's noggin (of course he lived ... ). It was a glorious issue to issue set of over the top battles fought the wrong way for what Tony believed to be the right reasons. It would make a kickass trilogy of films that would cost approximately 1 google dollars to produce. I'd see it 75 times.
My own pick is X-Men #205 -- and I must give a shout-out to the late Dave's Long Box, where I first read it. It is the first appearance of Wolverine's female arch-nemesis, Lady Deathstrike, and begins in a surreal, Blade Runner chop shop fashion. Desperate to kill the Gaijin who possesses her father's adamantium, Deathstrike makes herself over into a hideous cyborg woman. From there, we encounter Katie Power of the Power Pack, who encounters a savage Wolverine on the streets of New York. In an incident left completely to the imagination of the reader, he was captured and brutally tortured by Deathstrike and her men. He's so ravaged he doesn't remember who he is, nor does he recognize little Katie. What follows is a delightful adventure of the pair of them trying to dodge Deathstrike and her men, as Wolverine regains his senses, and stops speaking random Japanese. When he does, it's a frenzy of evisceration, full of fantastic one liners like "I'll kick when I'm ready -- and that ain't tonight!" Oh yeah, and it takes place at Christmas, which lends it all a Lethal Weapon vibe.
Now it is your turn to show me what you've got. And you never know -- a studio may be casting around for ideas (and judging by the number of remakes and re-imaginings we get per summer, Hollywood might be reading your comments RIGHT NOW), hit Google, and discover our list of potential blockbusters. This is why we should get paid the big bucks!
1. Days of future past.
Posted at 1:13PM on Apr 29th 2008 by Ronan